roniwrites

The inspiration for this poem came from an exercise I did with my hall’s leadership team, which I am a part of. We were doing an activity where we had to listen to statements and respond to them based on a spectrum that was set up. The very first statement was, on one side was “life is what happens to me” and on the other side was “life is what you make it” and you had to choose where you fall on that spectrum. I knew from the beginning of the question that life is just what happens to me. I often joke that every horrible thing that could possibly happen to a person, has happened to me, and it’s true. It’s not really a joke, but I find it funny that of all the people to dump all these horrible things on, it was me. I wouldn’t change a single thing that I’ve been through because each of those experiences has played an intricate part of who I am. The phrase itself of “life is what happens to me” stuck in my head for a few weeks after that activity and it inspired this poem at 1:30 in the morning.

life is what happens to me when papi leaves
when dad comes and it’s not the same
when bailey screams and throws things at mom
when he tries to push her down the stairs
when he gets arrested time and time again,
when he beats mom right in front of me

life is what happens to me when girls make up rumors,
i spend a day in in-school detention
when teachers think i’m as bad as they were because of my last name
when his mistakes become mine and my triumphs go unnoticed

life is what happens to me when rumors start flowing about my sexuality,
“she’s a dyke,” they say
when a boy i thought i loved calls me
and tells me it better not be true or our whole relationship was a lie
when my mom says to me, no you’re not, when i tell her i’m gay

life is what happens to me when i make that first cut with purple scissors,
sitting against my door
i don’t even go as deep as a paper cut
but i open the door to the worst addiction i’ve ever had
when life gets hard and i can’t feel anything,
i break razors, pencil sharpeners, box cutters.
when i’d rather watch myself bleed than face the truth,
i’m not worth this life

life is what happens to me when he tells me i’m safe,
that he won’t hurt me
but he takes off my clothes
and uses my body for whatever he so pleases for four years
when i’m eight years old and i think this is normal
and he’s twelve and he knows it’s wrong

life is what happens to me when i just can’t bare it all anymore
so, pills are the only way to go
but i can take as many as i want, i can drink as much as i want,
but it doesn’t feel like i’m anything more than sober
when all i want to do is die and there’s nothing left for me here

life is what happens to me when in seventh grade, lauren tried to kill herself
when in eighth grade, marc tried to kill himself
when in ninth grade, mitchell tried to kill himself,
and died for twenty minutes
when in tenth grade, sarah tried to kill herself
when in eleventh grade, anna and tom tried to kill themselves
when in twelfth grade, edie tries to kill herself
when i’m a freshman in college, and i’m waiting for someone to try to kill themselves

life is what happens to me when my siblings don’t know i exist until i’m 15
when papi never told them about his two other children
when you’ve missed out on connections that should’ve been there in the first place.

life is what happens to me when as soon as rain hits my skin, i’m paralyzed
when my world comes crashing down
when i’m taken back to places i don’t want to go
when tears come out of my eyes
i’m stuck and i’m broken all over again

life is what happens to me
i accepted that a lot time ago
when every horrible thing that could possibly happen to a single person,
has happened to me
you start to think
life is just what happens to me

but life is also what happens to me when i’ve lost all hope that i’ll ever find a best friend i need and i meet her my first semester of senior year
when you’re the only two senior girls in a gym class
and you cling to each other
when you’re over 1000 miles away from each other
and you still talk every day as if you’re still 20 minutes apart
when your friendship becomes the only thing that gets you through the day sometimes
when she’s the only one who gets you and all the weirdness that comes along

life is what happens to me when i meet my soulmate and the truest love of my life when i’m 16 and move across the country for her at 18
when she makes me feel like i can accomplish anything
when she’s the one i want to live my life with, travel the world with, come home to
even when i don’t want to be her friend
i love her endlessly, unconditionally, forever, and always

life is what happens to me when I met a special boy at 12 years old
and we’ve been friends ever since
when he gives me so much strength to achieve my dreams
when he’s talked me off the ledge more than once
when he’s been a confident, a shoulder to cry on, a source of laughter for 7 years
when we have long talks just telling each other how much we love each other
when his dreams are my dreams and my dreams are his

life is what happens to me when i work my ass off to graduate
and be the first in my family to go to college
when i’m a first generation american going to a great school
and living a dream my parents had
when my parents both know that i’ll be the one taking care of them in their old age
when i’m following my dreams, and getting my education
when i didn’t even think i’d make it to 16 and be able to graduate high school,
let alone finish a semester of college and fall in love with life

life is what happens to me when my main motivation isn’t human
when he’s a pocket pit bull with a heart of gold and great hugs
when his cuddles and kisses get me through the hard times
when him loving me is the only thing i want most days,
i want him to be proud of me
even if he doesn’t understand what being proud is

life is what happens to me when my rock, my number one, my whole entire heart is the women who gave birth to me
when i can’t go a day without talking to her
when she’s the first one i call when i do well on a test or paint my nails a different color
when she’s the only constant i’ve ever known

life is what happens to me, sure
it’s a mean, nasty, unforgiving bitch i don’t want anything to do with most days
but then it brings me seder, and garth, and neil, and morgan, and erin
it’s my biggest enemy and my greatest love and the reason i cry most days
but it gave me mariokart and boy meets world and face masks and great book
it gave me all 7 of my annoying brothers, my inspiration of a sister, my blessing of a mom
it gave me spoken word poetry, disney movies, butterflies, big sweatshirts, and sourpatch watermelon
it gave me the breakfast club, music to sing and dance to, makeup to play with, shows to fall in love with
it gave me you, it gave me this, it gave me life

so yeah, life is what happens to me.
but is it really that bad?

I finished my first week of college! How cool, right? It was a super busy week and truth be told, it’s not over yet!

My journey to get to this point started long before I could even apply for college. I was a little kid and I was watching all these people around me start talking about my college experience, paying for school, and even where I was going to go. I think for a long time, my family definitely thought I was going to stay where I have grown up my whole life and go to my grandpa’s alma mater – CU Boulder. While I love the campus and the mountains and being close to home, I always knew in my tiny heart that I wanted to go somewhere else.

My dream of California started brewing when I was a little girl. When I could finally figure out how to google things other than the ‘Crazy Frog’ or ‘The Gummy Bear Song’, I started looking at colleges, just thinking, exploring websites, and reading people’s experiences. UCLA became a front-runner and my dream shortly after my search began and my heart was stuck there up until my junior year of high school and the summer after.

When Morgan and I started dating, we both knew that her dream was to play lacrosse at the collegiate level, wherever that may be. So when she committed to play D1 ball at Wofford College in South Carolina, truthfully, it didn’t cross my mind that our dreams were across the country from each other.

By the time senior year rolled around, and it was time for me to start applying, Morgan and I had gotten pretty serious. We both knew that we were the one’s for each other, we wanted to spend our lives together and that whatever happened, we wanted to stay together. Well when I knew that I was applying to UCLA because it was my dream, CU Boulder as a safety, as well as the other CU campuses in Denver and Colorado Springs, one thing was missing. Her.

I started to look at schools on the east coast. I knew that we were going to be traveling to South Carolina in October for a prospective day for her lacrosse team so I wanted to look at some schools there. The University of South Carolina Upstate was the ideal school on paper. It was a 10 minute drive from Wofford, it had my major, and it was close to the girl I love. But when we went to visit, I was incredibly disappointed. I wanted more.

As a little girl, I always watched the dance team at CU Boulder games and I knew that I wanted to do something like that. I saw their face tattoos, their pom poms, I saw all the students so excited to be a Buff. I wanted to go to football games, basketball games, I wanted to have so much school spirit.

Upstate didn’t give me that. They don’t even have a football team and that was the deal breaker for me. I’ve always wanted to go to a college football game as a student, with my friends, faces painted, school colors on, ready for the night. That wasn’t something I ever wanted to sacrifice.

The University of South Carolina Columbia was my next option. We drove around the campus and while I wasn’t totally set, I told myself that if I ended up at this school, I wouldn’t be disappointed. The campus is beautiful, the pictures online were amazing, it had my major, it had a football team, it checked every box on my list. My heart just wasn’t in it. I knew that I could go there and I’m sure that I’d find happiness, but it wasn’t going to be there when I first arrived on campus.

At that point, I was disappointed and upset and frustrated and to be honest, I resented Morgan a little bit. I was upset that she chose a school without talking to me about it and I was sad that I couldn’t find one close that had my major and I could see myself at. I was mad at myself for even being upset at her in the first place because this was her dream! She had worked her whole life to get to this point and here I am, being upset and frustrated at her for following her dreams? How rude was I?! I wasn’t allowed to be upset, I thought. She committed to play lacrosse at such an early part of our relationship that we weren’t even sure we were going to last. She didn’t have to involve me in her decision. And looking back at it now, I’m glad she didn’t because I wouldn’t have ended up at the school of my dreams.

We flew home from South Carolina and I was not satisfied. I was scared that I was going to end up staying in Colorado, being over 1,000 miles away from the girl that I loved with every part of my body. I was laying in bed one night and I remember just thinking how stuck I was, how I wasn’t sure what was in store for me for the next school year, and how I absolutely hated that. I got to thinking, what about Charlotte? We flew in and out of there when we went to South Carolina. We spent a night in the city there and I loved it. I was totally in love with the vibe, the skyline, the area, I was infatuated. It wasn’t that far of a drive, what about the schools there?

And that’s when I found my home.

The University of North Carolina at Charlotte. Home of the Niners.

A 1,000 acre campus with over 450 student organizations and clubs. A major in Criminal Justice and a long list of minors to choose from. A football team. School spirit. A GORGEOUS campus with so many trees, two ponds, a couple little manmade streams, two huge dining halls, over 29,000 students, and as far as I was concerned, my brand new home.

I chose this school solely based on courses, course descriptions, pictures, and all the information I could find online. I took one look at this campus, in my dark room, on my phone and I knew it. I knew it with every inch of my being, I hadn’t ever been this excited about a school. This was it.

I didn’t end up actually visiting and being on campus until I was at orientation. I got here and I was definitely overwhelmed. Whether that was from being up all night to take the red-eye and landing at 5 in the morning, or at the fact that this campus is so much bigger than I could’ve ever imagined, I’m not totally sure. But it was definitely a little scary.

But by the time the 2 day orientation was over, I was so set. I chose the right place. It was a good fit, and it wasn’t too far from my girl.

Fast forward to moving in and the almost 25 hour drive, it’s been a week since I got here, I’ve been to all my classes, met all my professors, made new friends, ate way too much food, got 5 free shirts, a free visor, pet dogs, ate a snowcone, a cake pop, and a popsicle, sang at karaoke night, went to a frat party, rushed the football field, been to the tenth floor of the library, saw a concert, and managed to finish all my homework early.

And I’m not done! Today I’m playing bingo to try to win an iPad and tomorrow is the Yard Show in the Star Quad and I am so excited!

In other words, I love college.

I’m so ready to take this journey to further my education, to get my degree, to pursue my dreams of becoming a real life Olivia Benson, Erin Lindsay, and Jennifer Jareau all rolled into one. I am the happiest I’ve been in so long and I love being a Niner.

It was really hard getting here. I wasn’t even sure I was going to college a week and a half ago because I wasn’t sure how I was going to pay for it. But by the grace of God, the generosity of good people, and a lot, and I mean a lot of crying, I’m here. I’m living my dream. My whole life has been me working to get to this point and I have never been more ready.

That’s not to say I’m not scared or a little stressed or nervous about how my classes are going to pan out, because I am all of those things and so much more. But first and foremost, I’m excited, I’m happy, and I’m ready for this journey to continue.

I want to thank everyone that’s helped me get to this point and who has contributed to motivating me to keep going. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for my parents, my teachers, my close friends, my sister, the love of my life, and the people who care about me most. I am who I am because of all of you and while I’m doing this for myself, I’m also doing it for you. For those who couldn’t be where I am right now for various reasons, for those who have gone through college already and are guiding me through it. I’m doing it for the people still in high school, scared out of their minds, wondering if college truly is for them, and honestly, it might not be. But for me, this has been the best first week of school I’ve ever had, and I’m so excited for this year.

I have got a lot of Niner pride in me and I’m so excited to let it all out!

I have never been so open about my mental health as I am now that I have my semicolon tattoo. I’ve talked about my depression to those I’m closed to, those I want to help, and those who need to hear a story that could maybe give them some hope that it does get better.

I got my semicolon tattoo a little over a month ago and I didn’t think I’d be ready to talk about my journey with mental illness but the moment someone asked me about what it means, I felt this huge weight be lifted off my shoulders. I felt like I was finally ready to be okay with my depression, my anxiety, and my recently diagnosed PTSD.

For those who don’t know about Project Semicolon, it’s a international organization with a mission to prevent suicide by providing a forum for people who experience mental illness such as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, PTSD, BPD, addiction, suicide, postpartum, schizophrenia, dissociative personality disorder, and eating disorders.

It’s become a worldwide movement to destigmatize mental illness. Their website says, “Project Semicolon is an organization dedicated to the prevention of suicide. Our work is based on the foundation and belief that suicide is preventable and everyone has a role to play in preventing suicide. Through raising public awareness, educating communities, and equipping every person with the right tools, we know we can save lives.”

Recently, their founder, Amy Bleuel lost her battle with depression and passed away from suicide on March 23. She was 31. On her about page, it reads, “After overcoming many obstacles in her life including bullying, rejection, suicide, self-injury, addiction, abuse and even rape, Amy has found strength and a love for others. Amy struggled with mental illness for 20+ years and has experienced many stigmas associated with it.”

Honestly, getting this tattoo felt so freeing. It felt like I was finally going to be able to tell my story and not be ashamed of it. It gave me power.

 

I got diagnosed with depression shortly after I turned 13 in May of 2012. It’s been just over 5 years now and it has been the wildest journey I’ve ever been on. I have gone through 3 major depressive episodes, suicide attempts, and I struggled with self harm for two and a half to three years and I have always, for as long as I can remember, struggled with eating. I recently got diagnosed with PTSD stemming from years of sexual abuse as a child and emotional abuse from relationships.

I got my semicolon tattoo as a way to remind myself that I made it through some of the worst struggles I’ve ever been through. I was able to make it through self harm, abuse, and major depressive episodes and I still managed to graduate high school, continue dancing up until junior year, get into a good school, and maintain a relationship.

It’s not easy. Mental illnesses are a bitch. They are really hard to manage without proper help and depending on the severity of some, it’s tough to be in healthy relationships with friends, family, and partners.

My semicolon helped me heal in a way I didn’t know I needed to. It allowed me to put on my body, “Hey I went through this, but I’m okay. I’m going to make it. I’m going to follow my dreams and build a life for myself. I went through all these horrible things but I made it out. If I can, you can too.” And that’s something I never thought I would be able to do.

I’m proud of myself. I’m proud of the person I am, of the woman I’m becoming, and of the girl I was. I can’t say I’m happy I went through what I did, but it made me into the person I am today. It’s crazy to think but I wouldn’t be who I am without the trauma I’ve experienced and truth be told, I wouldn’t want to change anything. I’m stronger than my mental illness and I’m determined to make it through.

 

If you’re going through anything and you want to talk about, please, feel free to reach out to me. I am always here to talk, to listen, to help in any way I can.